Treasures 4
Fourth part of my treasure list. First part here, second part here, third part here. Ought to have a hundred when I’m done.
Sad Jenny. Mummified skate in a bottle, cut to resemble an imp. Looks unhappy. Can absorb one tragic event in the life of its owner - preventing e.g. the death of a child and taking the burden of grief onto itself. Made in job lots by sailors in 16th-century Antwerp - few remain intact.
Vanuatu Ningyo. Preserved corpse of an ape-faced mer-beast with the lower body of a coral trout. Experts reluctant to concede its authenticity - only careful dissection proves it’s not a taxidermied fake. Bought in Ambrym by Japanese sailors in 1822. Sold by a Yankee whaling captain to P. T. Barnum in 1841.
Red Redeemer. Winchester Model 1873 lever-action rifle. Custom-made for Sarah Winchester by a Snake Indian gunsmith from sequoia heartwood. Blessed by the Modoc war witch Curley Doctor and the shamans of nineteen other tribes. Used by Teddy Roosevelt on his 1913 expedition to the River of Doubt. Can kill ghosts.
Yukon Pippin. Golden apple purchased by the Russian anthropologist Vladimir Bogoraz from a Dawson City dance hall girl in 1901 - thought by him to be evidence that the ruined Garden of Eden lay somewhere under the Klondike hills. Eating it cures wounds and opens your mind to uncomfortable revelations.
Piece Of Eight. 16th-century silver dollar, minted in Bohemia by Count Hieronymus Schlick. Given as a tip by J. P. Morgan to a waiter at the Jekyll Island Clubhouse, in payment for his silence about what he saw on the night of the founding of the Federal Reserve. Spend it and it will return to you by circuitous means.
Hopcoat. Waistcoat made from virgins’ skin. Won from a Huilliche witch in a card game by the navigator and warlock José de Moradela, in the Chilote Archipelago in 1793. Can temporarily weaken the influence of gravity on the user, enabling long-distance moon jumps for one minute per day.
Gemini Cell. Coconut-sized human ovum. Squishy but tough, like a ball of clotted clay. Looted in 978 from the treasure chamber of Theodosius the Sorrowed, King of the Abkhazians, who bought it from the morlocks of Krubera Cave. Inject it with sperm - it grows over a month into a perfect duplicate of the donor.
Cetus Lure. Type of orichalcum fish hook found every hundred years or so by peasants trawling the Guadalquivir marshes. Made in old Tartessos out of ingots taken from the walls of the Temple of Poseidon in Atlantis. Liable to catch strange fish - bulging eyes, tendrils, thumb-sized homunculi meditating in their bellies.
Capet Vertumnus. Eroded marble head. Roots sprout from ears and mouth. Discovered by the Renaissance architect Antonio da Sangello during the excavation of an Etruscan tomb in Orvieto. Given to the Pope. If planted, grows into a gnarled tree that women find strangely attractive - might lure a dryad.
Omphalos. The Black Stone of the Kaaba, stolen by Qarmatians in 930 and replaced by a fake. Exact mathematical centre of creation. Will destroy the universe if shattered. Universe then reconstructed by parties unknown, just like it was before, except for a few trivial details like the colour of people’s hair.
Pole God. Ithyphallic idol from a Thuringian sacrificial bog. Made from a forked stick. Screaming bearded head on top. Attracts lightning if planted on a hilltop in a storm. Can be used as a pregnancy gun once charged - fires purple bolts from its penis that implant hungry embryos in the bodies of targets.
Serpent Urn. Clay jar full of king cobras. Cobras can be lured out with live mice at a rate of 1/day. Smashing the jar releases 100 cobras. Brought to the port of Ophir by King Solomon in ~950 BC. Stored in Padmanabhaswamy Temple’s Vault B until 1791, when Dharma Raja of Travancore used it to pay a gambling debt.
Pompeii Yakshi. Ivory figurine of a nude woman with cartoonishly large breasts. Made in Gandhara around 33 AD. Found in the ruins of a Pompeii brothel. Steals the souls of babies as soon as they’re conceived - you can’t get pregnant as long as it’s watching you have sex.
Purgatorius Ignis. Bronze goblet of permanently smouldering embers. Carried out of St Patrick’s Purgatory in County Donegal by the Irish knight Owain around 1140. Can be used to start cleansing fires that burn away the dross of the material world, leaving behind gold-flecked ash and birdlike Heaven-bound souls.
Trench Club. Blackthorn shillelagh filled with lead, rubbed with whale oil and darkened with magpie blood. Crafted for the warrior maid Scathach by the leprechaun Naggeneen. Wielded at Ypres by an officer of the Irish Guards. Induces long-lasting sleep in those whose heads it bonks. Cannot kill.
Truth Mud. Lump of clay from the torso of the Golem of Prague. Single Hebrew letter carved in it. Will come to life when nobody’s looking and set out to destroy the enemies of the Jews. Oozes around slowly. Suffocates antisemites in their sleep. Needs more good clay to increase its mass.
Sound Grenade. Explosive crystal designed for underground warfare. Only works in enclosed spaces. Sonic pulses inflict fatal brain bleeds on everything within its blast radius. Sparkles in sunlight - would make a pretty necklace. Found by the enslaved explorer Stephen Bishop in Mammoth Cave in 1841.
Wife Pod. Cut from a nariphon tree in the Phetchabun Mountains. Made from tough green cellulose. Contains a boneless woman, covered with goo and curled into a ball. Anime-girl personality - cute, affectionate, loves to sing and dance. Only speaks bird language. Anyone who kisses her loses their magic powers for a month.
God Collar. Bronze torc from Iron Age Estonia. Lets the wearer sniff out demons - they reek of sour milk. For every week you go without eating a demon you become more lupine - sharp teeth, pointed ears, eventual full transfiguration into a wolf of Hell. Preserved in a castle vault on Saaremaa by the Teutonic Order.
Crawling Baby. Japanese hoko doll, made from white silk and stuffed with human hair. Protects children from misfortune. Gets bloated and heavy as it absorbs bad luck. If squeezed, will vomit a black goo which evaporates into a cloud of evil spirits that enter the nearest human body through the nose and mouth.
Pole god... The staff idols of the iron age always creeped me out in university.